Friday, 11 June 2010

Spinning around

This time last year I was pregnant. For one blissfully happy week I felt the delight of knowing that there was a much wanted, much hoped for baby on the way. It gave an extra element of joy to my birthday. It made me sing with delight.

And then I started bleeding.

One week after I'd first tested positive I knew it was over.

A month later I tested positive again and that baby was Isabel. Those first few weeks were full of mixed emotions. Hope mingled with fear. I didn't feel pregnant like I had the month previously and every day I was waiting and wondering if the bleeding was going to start again. Thankfully it didn't.

In the grand scheme of things a miscarriage at 5 weeks isn't much in terms of loss. The medical word used was a blighted ovum - not even a would-be person. But it was still my baby and I miss him, or her, (although I had a feeling it was a boy). I look at Isabel sometimes and wonder. I'd never swap her. Never wish her not to be here but the timing still messes with my head sometimes.

I have lovely friends who have had to cope with losses further down the line and I know how common early miscarriage is. I'm lucky in so many ways and I really value the children that I have.

But it still makes my head spin.




video

4 comments:

  1. x a loss is not quantifiable, you feel what you feel. Love to you and yours x

    ReplyDelete